I think one of the reasons I’ve not really had the energy or motivation to write on this blog has to do with me having multiple health issues.
In general I’m not really an unhealthy person. I’m slightly overweight (about 10kg/22lbs) and it bothers me, but not in a way that it’s causing me serious health issues. I don’t really have a superb stamina but I can do my things and go to the gym and not feel like I have to give up on the treadmill, bike or rowing machine after 5 minutes.
I try to eat well. Ofcourse I eat candy, crisps and other types of junkfood, but I try to keep it in check by not eating as much crap during the week and giving myself a bit of freedom during the weekends… And even then I moderate my junk intake.
And yet I feel shitty. As of right now there are multiple reasons for this, most of which are related to mental health and one big physical factor. You see I’ve had a nasty flu at the end of February. High fever, feeling like a wet towel, only wanting to sleep and sleep some more untill my fever died down. After which I was still not feeling well but went into work anyway because I need the money. After that particular flu I kept having a nasty cough. It’s persisted for about two months now, way longer than any cough should persist, and at first I attributed it to being stressed out. Now however I think something more serious is in play as I’m starting to cough up all manners of slime and my entire respiratory system is painful. So I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for next week to check out what is going on in my lungs. Personally I think it’s some form of bronchitis, I atleast check out for all the symptoms of it right now. Let’s hope it’s only that and I will feel better in a few weeks, I really don’t need a serious health problem on top of all the other things that are going on right now.
As far as my mental health goes. I’m actually severely stressed out. I’ve been trying to wrap up my master’s thesis and it’s not going how it should have. And I’m not even really stressed out because of the thesis itself but because of my dad who thinks I’ve already graduated and is now wanting to see my diploma… Which I obviously don’t have. Pack this up with a very stressful time at work where I make tons of extra hours, a lot of funerals/people dieing around me and a general feeling of depression, loneliness and exhaustion and you have the perfect mix for an incoming crash.
I’m working very hard to avoid this. Trying to get my social life back a bit. Trying to lose myself in games, which I find increasinly hard to do. It doesn’t help that I still don’t have a place of my own and am restricting myself to live in a small bedroom where all my stuff is. It’s really not a healthy way to live and it’s starting to seriously get to me. With the housing market being what it is though I don’t see myself moving out anytime soon.. Unless I meet someone and move in with them. And the chances of that happening are even smaller. All of this just messes with your head. You don’t really know what to give your attention to and it all feels so overwhelming that you just end up doing nothing at all. Which is most likely the worst thing you can do.
So right now my life consists of me forcing myself to do things, even though my body is telling me that it wants to lie down and sleep. And if I do give in to that I’ll sleep my whole weekend away. Which is bad. So instead I’m kicking my own butt. Picking up things I’ve neglected (like this blog) and trying to keep some sort of normal rythm going so that I can do what must be done and not feel like an absolute failure all the time. It’s hard.
I hope it gets better.