In March I have been diagnosed with a Major Depressive Episode. It didn’t really come as a surprise to me but it had been camouflaging as a burnout so I guess it tricked me in at least that way. I was feeling permanently tired, burned out, done with life, done with the world. I felt at my lowest of lows after a year where I thought I could finally see a future worth living for. But life has a funny way for knocking the wind out of you and I found myself staring at the edge of the abyss for a little too long.
I’ve been here before. I’ve seen this edge before and I stepped away from it before. But as I find myself to be twice the age I was last time this happened I notice that I don’t bounce back as easily as I once did. Feeling bad had taken over my days and nothing really brought me enjoyment anymore. I had sought help and, even though it took a while to get going, finally managed to get into a trajectory that will help me heal and deal with a lot of issues that have been simmering right beneath the surface. I’ve spent years powering through everything, trying to tell myself that this is how life is, that if I just worked hard enough and did more than what was asked of me and ignore the stress and weariness and pain of life occurences I would eventually get to be happy. To be loved. To finally feel like I was enough.
How wrong that mindset has been.
I’m learning to love myself. To live with myself. To tell myself that it’s okay if things aren’t always okay. I don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to push myself beyond my limits. I’m worthy of being around, I have value as a person even if I’m not doing that great. I’m choosing to let myself of the hook. To be kinder, nicer to myself. To not work myself to death. To not expect more when I’ve already done more than enough.
I stop holding myself to impossibly high standards, to an expectation of perfection that is impossible to fulfill.
I’m choosing to heal.
As part of this I want to track my journey here. My ups and downs. My victories and days where things just don’t really go the way I want them to. And that’s okay. No one is perfect. No one has the answer to everything. Life isn’t rainbows and sunshines. And that’s okay.
I’m catching up on a lot of travelling this year after being homebound by the Coronavirus for close to two years. I’m setting off to an unknown destination this Wednesday and have a New York City trip coming up in June. I’m going back to concerts and festivals again. I’m seeing my friends, both online and offline, in real life for the first time in years. I want to document it all. But also the struggles with keeping a good rhythm. For finding a schedule that works. Trying to learn new habits. How to treat myself nicer. How I stumble and fall and get back up again doing things outside of my comfort zone.
All of this and more. I hope you’ll be along for the ride.