Lately I’ve been having doubts, struggles even with the fact that I see myself as a gamer. Because I think that’s not really the case anymore. Over the years I have bought many games and started them all at some point, but never finished. I have a huge pile of PS2 games lying underneath my bed, scarcely touched because after 10 mins of playing a game I get bored with it. It doesn’t absorb me anymore, not the way it used to anyway.
This dilemma has been going on for a while, I’ve had periods before where I didn’t really like any game I played but just logged certain ones because of the people that were online. Sidestep: I have always considered myself to be more of a social gamer, I like interacting with others while I play, it’s probably the big reason why I love any form of MMO so much. Sadly for me most of my IRL friends have stopped playing games alltogether. Real Life has taken over in many situations (too bus with jobs, kids, money, boyfriends/girlfriends etc) and it has left me feeling very alone. Sure there are some hardcore people that still play certain games that I play aswell, but they do what they feel like leaving me to fend for myself in the process. And I hate that. I hate having to run around and farm alone, I hate having no social interactions in games, no one to banter with or to compare things with or have fun with. It makes me cranky and upset and more and more I get the feeling that it’s being destructive for me as a person.
I get moody a lot, I get cranky and annoyed and I take it out on the people that are dear to me. I lash out and whine and behave like a child because I don’t really get what I want. Another side effect is that I can see myself getting more introverted again, a state that I had left behind when I broke up with my most recent ex. My personality is in general one of extraversion, I like having people around and I blend in with any type of personality great. When it comes to friendship I am a huge maintainer, I want to be able to physically touch my friends every now and then and keep extensive contact, because I need that. Not that I need them for my self esteem, I’m perfectly comfortable with who I am, but I need it because that’s who I am. I blossom in social situations with many people and I’m a wreck when it comes to having to deal with being alone for extended periods of time. Sometimes I wonder if I have a case of separation anxiety purely because I just want certain people around me in my life and I get really upset when they can’t be around me for some reason or the other.
Right now my biggest dilemma is whether I should even bother with buying new games anymore. The only games I can truly say I’ve played to pieces are World of Warcraft, Diablo 3 and my Pokémon games. The former two were because I always had people to play with, the latter is because that’s probably the only gaming brand that really captures my interest. My WoW sub is running out and I am probably not going to renew it because I just feel like there’s nothing there for me anymore. There’s 1 raid per week (a flexraid) that I can join, but I don’t want to spend money just to do a once per week raid. Not while I’m also playing FFXIV which costs me money on a monthly basis aswell. And even there I’m having doubts of whether I want to keep playing even though I’m having a lot of fun in a game for the first time in a looooong time. I just don’t know anymore right now.
The only thing I do know is that gaming isn’t making me happy anymore… And when something isn’t making you happy anymore, maybe it’s time to move on to something else.