As I started this crazy Blaugust journey I set some high standard Gaming goals for myself. I did these before knowing I would get a job that would get me out of the house for 4 days a week (and even 5 days next week). At the time I had all the time in the world to do what I wanted, I even felt bored and restless because I just couldn’t find ways to fill my time and it was eating away at me.
Fast forward three weeks and I’m looking at myself in a completely different light. Now that I am finally entering the adult world of working I realize how much of my gaming is actually tied to me being bored. Now that I don’t have the time to game as much anymore I feel much less of a draw to do so. When I come home I just want to relax, sit down, maybe head to the gym and watch some streams and that’s it. I don’t feel like picking up or opening any game whatsoever and it scares me.
I have identified myself as a Gamer Girl for about 10 years now, I’ve always had time to game with my school schedule being easy and never actually working for more than 8 hours (a saturday) a week. I had time and space to get into games, to not feel tired and to do whatever the hell I wanted,
But not anymore.
And now that I don’t have that anymore, I’ve discovered that I’m not really that much of a Gamer Girl as I’ve always thought I was. I don’t want to spend my weekends infront of my PC or console, just mindlessly grinding away at some game. I want to go out, see people, do things, enjoy life. I feel like I want to date again, to meet a great guy that I can spend my time with doing all kinds of things and not hang behind my PC anymore.
The weekend is my only real free time now and I don’t want to spend it alone indoors. I’m an extrovert by nature (and a really extreme extrovert at that) and I’m always wanting to meet new people and do and see new things, challenge myself and be excited. Gaming doesn’t really do that for me anymore and I’m seriously doubting more and more whether I should keep on logging onto my MMO’s and other games. Ofcourse they are still a great pastime for the evenings when I’m tired and don’t really want to do anything but sit on my ass. But even then I struggle to log in and be really engaged with anything I do.
Ofcourse all of this could also just be an initial rush of getting a job and suddenly have the freedom to do many things that I couldn’t in the past. I’ve been saying yes to a lot of things because I have the money to do stuff now and I’ve been enjoying my time away from home. I haven’t really settled into the job life yet (heading to bed on a fridaynight at 10pm because I’m exhausted kind of illustrates this) and I won’t always have to fill my weekend with stuff to do.
Right now I just feel really at odds with who I am and what I want in life. A part of me is still that hardcore gamer that wants nothing more than to sit at home and play games all day. But a bigger, stronger part of me just wants to go out and enjoy the world and the wonderful people living in it. And games? Well, they will come around. Eventually.