Personal

Why’s My Life So Boring?

Retribution Challenge Weapon

I’m having one of those weekends where I feel like my life is going by too fast and I’m wasting my time doing useless stuff. And with useless I mean lying on bed or spending a lot of time dallying in a game while not really making any progress anywhere.
Which is odd because I’ve been slowly ticking off goals for World of Warcraft (see the above screenshot of my proud Paladin and her Retribution Challenge Weapon) and managed to actually finish a game within a week of buying it. And yet I feel useless and bored, not to mention fat and ugly.

I think my depressive mood comes down to my less than ideal living situation and the fact that I lack the motivation to change anything about my life right now. My house is being built and I can’t move out untill next year. I’m still quite overweight but I can’t seem to get myself to start working out seriously and working on losing that weight. I’m also staring at a contract deadline which basically means I should find a new job by October 1st. Something I really really want aswell but I can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything. I feel mentally exhausted and I’m not sure how to turn it around right now. I think the best thing I can do is focus on tackling one thing at a time and right now my health, and the slow deteriation of it, is my number one priority. Because next to being simply overweight all that extra cushion I’m dragging around is causing me other issues. I’m short of breath, my feet constantly hurt, my back hurts and I honestly look ridiculous in any clothes I’m wearing. Looking at myself in the mirror becomes harder by the day and I’m desperately finding a way to get motivated to lose weight.

I have considered tying gaming and working out together. Especially during weekends I just don’t get enough exercise/movement and so I’m thinking of a system to make sure I do not sit on my ass and game all day. I’ve been trying to apply it to my WoW sessions where I am taking breaks whenever I level up on my Rogue (which is rougly every 45 mins). During these breaks I either go get a drink, clean a bit of rubble from the attic or spend a few minutes just walking around, stretching and maybe walk up and down the stairs a few times just to get some movement in. I want to progress this further and stand on our crosstrainer or do some strength exercises inbetween my gaming sessions. Anything to start getting healthier again and be happier with the way I look and feel, seeing as this body has to last me atleast another 40-50 years.

In gaming land however…
I’ve been scratching off a lot of goals. I’ve completed 8/36 Mage Tower challenges now and I hope to be able to complete three more the next time the Tower rolls around. If I’m able to do that it means I have all the Mage Tower appearances for Monk, Paladin and Warrior and 2/3 for Hunter. Although the challenges still aren’t a walk in the park they’ve become significantly easier by gearing up my characters. I’m really close to getting the MM Hunter challenge done but I’m trying to get a better legendary than the ones I have in the hopes that it will help me actually kill off the stupid challenge. I’ve also picked up leveling my Rogue, who is my last class not on 110 yet, and I’ve made some pretty great strides today going from level 82 to almost level 87 in a few hours of play on and off. From level 90 onward I will be duoing up with a friend and we’ll make the final push to 110 together over a weekend, something we’ve been doing with a lot of our characters.
In terms of gameplay I don’t really enjoy Rogue all that much, there’s a reason why I’ve practically not touched this character since Wrath of the Lich King, but I want to get it to max level for completion sake so I will.
I’m also making a point to log into FFXIV once a week to do some beast tribe quests and to log into my house so that I don’t lose the plot. Even though my interest in the game has been waning a lot I’m not letting my sub lapse because I know I will get burned out on WoW at some point and will most likely return to FFXIV more fulltime then. In the meantime I’m super slowly leveling up my Machinist and just fiddling about getting my Beast Tribe rep up, I’m almost done with the Ananta now which means I can soon buy the pretty Gryphon mount. But since I’m only logging once a week or so it’s been going at a snail’s pace. Oh well.

In non MMO land I’ve bought Kirby Triple Deluxe on impulse Friday the 4th and finished it last Thursday. It reminded me of how much I love Kirby games and how nice and relaxing they are to play. I’ve yet to finish Star Allies on my Switch but seeing as I completely got sucked in by Triple Deluxe I’m taking a bit of a break and focusing on a game in an entirely different genre: Monster Hunter Stories. I’ve only started playing this game today so I’m not that far in but from what I’ve experienced so far it’s MH Light with a mix of Pokémon. It still has the Monster Hunting aspect, you still get a shitton of crafting mats and there’s a ton of sidemissions to do next to the main stuff, but this game actually has a story to follow and the gorgeous, colourful graphics had me hooked immediatly. I feel like this is by no means a simple game, but I’m determined to plant my feet in it and make progress this week and hopefully understand a bit more about how I have to actually play the game and if this may get me into other games in the Monster Hunter franchise.

For now though I’m going to sign off here and hopefully catch a good night’s sleep. I predict a ton of gaming and cleaning in my future tomorrow and I prefer not to have laid awake half the night before that.

Frozen Friday

Normally I’m so dead on Friday evenings that the only thing I want to do is lie down and sleep, doesn’t matter if it’s only 19.00. Today though I have a bit more energy and I would want to churn out a post because it’s been a bit of an odd week for me this week.

First off we’ve been dealing with a serious cold front coming in from the East that has basically made going outside a very painful chore. With temperatures dropping to -8 degrees Celsius (which is about 17 degrees Fahrenheit for my US friends) during the day, and the wind making it feel like -18 instead it was really no fun having to step outside. I had to conquer the cold for work and some hospital visits aswell but ideally I tried to stay inside as much as I could. I’m really not built for this weather and I notice it impacting my mood a lot, making me very grumpy and mostly in the mood to just lie down in bed and be warm.
I guess you never really appreciate having a mild climate untill the moment it’s taken from you and you have to deal with temperatures you’ve not really experienced since early childhood. I guess the one thing I can be thankful for is that we’re not stuck with a ton of snow, something the UK is dealing with right now.

You would think having this horrible weather outside would be an amazing excuse to spend some time in games but I’ve not really felt the gaming groove that much this week. Maybe it’s because of feeling cold almost the entire day or maybe it’s because my mind has mostly been with University and work stuff but I just couldn’t get myself to sit down and game. I did however pick up some new game related stuff that I’d like to share a bit of here.

I enjoy collecting things. Be it games, books or collectibles, I enjoy when something is well made and looks good on my shelves. Even though I know I shouldn’t by as much dust collecting stuff I still can’t seem to control my impulse buying, expecially when it comes to stuff that doesn’t only look good as decoration but also serves a purpose for games. I have an enormous Disney Infnity figurines collection and I was immensly sad when Disney decided to pull the plug from that franchise. However I found a new love in Nintendo Amiibos and am slowly growing my collection. The two newest additions are some of the newer Breath of the Wild Amiibo and I’m just amazed by the detail that Nintendo has put into making these. The archer Link looks absolutely amazingly detailed and the Zelda is probably the only real iteration of Zelda that I can really appreciate.
I didn’t actually intend to buy these guys when I went to my regular Game shop this week. I was just heading there to pick up the codes that would allow me to download Palkia and Dialga on my Pokémon Moon and Ultrasun games respectively. The sales rep was minding his own business untill he suddenly mentioned he had some Zelda amiibos lying around that he had ordered for himself but decided to cancel. Knowing that they would sell fast he offered them to me first and after one look at them I was absolutely sold. I think this line of amiibos in general are the best ones made so far and I don’t regret buying them whatsoever. What they exactly unlock ingame is not really clear to me. It looks like equipment and some consumables but I didn’t really buy them because of that anyway.
I do hope that they’ll get some sort of use outside Breath of the Wild but only time will tell on that one.

Even though I’ve not really been in a gaming vibe over the past week I do hope to make some progress in WoW and FFXIV over the weekend. I’d love to knock out some levels on various characters and classes and feel like I’m slowly ticking of goals. Especially with Battle for Azeroth inching closer there is a lot of stuff I still want to do. I hope I can. But we’ll see. For now I’m going to focus on getting through the weekend, play hopefully some games, get some exercise in and clean my room again because somehow during the week it just becomes an enormous mess.

 

Sunday Summary: Jan 29-Feb 4

I wanted to blog yesterday about some of the issues I have with WiiU games being ported en masse to the Switch. However because of a hiccup with my host my blog wasn’t accessible so I’ll save that particular post for a later date.

Alpha

I’ve had a quite productive week this week, both in and outside of gaming.
I’d like to start off with my real life endeavours because they are much more important, and interesting, than my gaming ones. So this week I finally was able to fix the last things for Uni and I can finally apply for my Master’s degree now, making me an official MSc! It’s taken me a while and some of the things weren’t necessarily my fault. For instance I handed in my Master’s thesis at the end of November (November 27th to be exact). It took untill December 20th to get my grade for that and then it took my Uni untill January 25th (YES THAT LONG!) to actually submit the grade into the system. It’s all been a very frustrating ride, especially since I knew I had to switch Master tracks because I accidentally entered the wrong track in September. Yeah that was my own fault. However this has been solved and after a very, very, very long wait I can finally say I’m done with that. So big party for me! Sort of. I guess I’ve celebrated by getting the Battle for Azeroth pre-order. I’ve also been working a bit more this week and it’s been a bit of a weird week over there. Basically I’m still uncertain what will happen to the department where I work for. I have a contract untill July 1st and no idea how things will look after that. I’ve also talked to my interim manager a bit and she’s given me some advice when it comes to improving my communication skills. I will take this advice to heart, especially when I may be in the position where I have to apply for another job. All in all I’ve had some breakthroughs this week on a personal level and for the first time in ages I finally feel at ease.

In games I’ve been mostly bouncing back and forth between FFXIV and World of Warcraft. I’ve been leveling my Summoner aswell as trying to unlock all the 4.2 content. I’ve played through the mainstory quest and I have the quests to unlock the new ex-roulette dungeons. I’ve also unlocked the first part of Sigmascape but I don’t really feel like queueing up for that just yet. I know I’ll miss out on the first reset of new tomestones but I’m having so much fun on my Summoner that I have a hard time tearing myself away from the leveling stuff.
I’ve also gotten myself the upgraded yellow scrip weapon for Botanist. I’m not actively chasing Botanist and Miner gear but the weekly hand-ins from M’naago allowed me to buy the Botanist weapon and upgrade it in one go.

Windwalker Panda Monk artifact weapon

As a surprise I’ve been spending more time in World of Warcraft that I thought I would.
I’ve unlocked both the Nightborne and Highmountain Tauren and made one of each race on Draenor (my main Horde server). So now I have a Nightborne Warlock and a Highmountain Shaman that are standing by to be leveled somewhere before Battle for Azeroth launches. I’ve also been playing a ton of Warrior just so I can try to get my Argussian Reach and Army of Light rep to exalted. Unfortunately I’m only honored with both so it will take a while yet.
In the screenshot above you see my Monk getting her Windwalker Artifact weapon. A friend of mine is on the same quest as I am: do all class hall campaigns before BfA. He had a level 100 warrior, I had a level 102 Shaman. We’ve decided to team up and right now I’m sitting halfway to level 107 and I should be able to get close to 110 tonight after we finish Stormheim and maybe Highmountain. Playing Monk again has been a blast. Windwalker has turned into a really fun spec to play and I can see myself spending some time on this after I ding 110. Mostly because I really want the awesome Tiger Class mount they get. For now thought I’m slowly working through the Class Hall campaign and hoping I will ding 110 sooner rather than later. Atleast I have a buddy to level with and who boosts my queues since he plays Protection.

Inbetween the leveling frenzy in my MMO’s I’ve also been playing through Yo Kai Watch bit by bit. I’m about 7 hours into the mainstory now and I feel like I’ve only started to scratch the surface. It’s a more in-depth game than I imagined and much less of a Pokémon clone than I thought it would be. I’m still not really sold on the whole battle mechanics but the story is nice and I find myself returning to it again and again. It also helps that I can play it in short bursts on the train.

All in all I’ve had a nice week. I made progress in real life things. I gamed quite a lot. I’ve been trying to be more healthy. I’ve tasted sushi for the first time and I’m having fun playing WoW again. The only thing to make this even better if I can find some time to play either my WiiU or Switch a bit. Maybe next week.

Sunday Summary: Jan 22-Jan 28

I’ve been doing some new things since the new year that I’m very pleased with. One of them is stop eating at restaurants when I’m actually full. I used to eat untill my plates were empty, three courses long, because I felt it would be a waste of money otherwise. Now not only do I feel the need to empty out the table/plates, I also don’t order three courses anymore. I feel like it’s much worse to come home after having a really lovely night and spend the time in bed in agony because of feeling nauseous or having stomach cramps from overeating.
Another thing I’ve been doing is taking general notes of what I’ve been up to during the week so I can translate that into a blogpost. Most of these things tend to be gaming related, since this is a gaming blog after all, but I also take note of significant real life things so I can incorporate that into my Sunday Summaries aswell.

So without further ado, what have I been up to this week?

In MMOs
I’ve been leveling a lot in both World of Warcraft and Final Fantasy XIV. After dinging my Miner 70 I’ve picked up Fisher and leveled it up to level 44 this week. I’ve hit a bit of a rough patch, namely the 35-45 levels but I hope I can get through that next week and push my Fisher up to level 50 atleast. From what I can tell the level 45-50 bit is already less painful and in Heavensward if you just fish for the Leves the leveling shouldn’t be too bad either.
Since I got a bit bored with Fisher though I’ve turned my attention to some battle classes again, and mostly Summoner. When I picked her up this week she was sitting just shy of level 59. Right now I’m halfway through level 62 and steadily making my way towards level 70. As added bonus my Scholar automatically levels along with it, meaning that when I do hit 70 all my Healing classes will be max level. When I’ve had some downtime inbetween running roulettes and beast tribe dailies I’ve picked up my Black Mage to run some Palace of the Dead. She’s currently level 51 and I really want to get her to 60 fast so I can get rid of the level 50 set. All in all I feel like I’m picking up the pace of leveling in FFXIV again and this makes me very happy. However this week also marked the official death of my static group, meaning I probably won’t raid in the next patch. Or atleast not cutting edge. I will probably try to pug some groups and see how that turns out. For now though my focus is on leveling mostly.
In World of Warcraft I’ve not done that much. I’ve been doing some dailies on my Warrior and logged my Paladin here and there. I didn’t even do any of the Timewalking Dungeons yet this time around and I’m not sure if I will before reset. I have however picked up leveling my Shaman again and she’s currently sitting on level 102… Where I’ve stalled out due to having to do the quest for the Enhancement and Restoration Artifacts. I know I will have to bite the bullet at some point and I probably will… If only to be able to continue with the Class Hall Campaign.

In Other Games
I’ve not played that much outside of my MMO’s to be honest with the exception of Yo Kai Watch 2. Even then I’ve spent maybe 2.5-3 hours playing it so it’s not that big of a deal. However in console land there have been some changes. I picked up the N2DSXL Pikachu edition which has gotten me more hooked than I would have initially thought. Maybe it’s also nice to not have a home menu littered with games that are distracting and maybe it’s due to the fact that it’s new and I adore it but I’ve been spending all my Yo Kai Watch time on that handheld as opposed to my 3DS. It’s also because I have to change the system language to English to be able to play it properly (Yo Kai Watch in Dutch is awful) and I don’t want to switch back and forth on my main handheld all the time. Making this Pikachu edition an ideal middle ground.
I’ve also taken the time to reinstall my WiiU. It’s currently sitting in a corner of my room, close to a power outlet, and I’m planning to mostly play on the gamepad. Seeing as I like lounging on bed in the evening anyway it’s a perfect solution and I will finally get to work on that backlog a bit, starting with Breath of the Wild.

In Real Life
It’s been a busy week for me last week when it came to real life stuff. They have officially started building the apartment complex where I will be living on Wednesday and they had a special event with all the buyers of the apartments. It was a nice little gathering, slightly ruined by the rainy weather. We’ve buried a treasure chest with messages from people in it so that when these apartments eventually get torn down and they start digging they’ll find messages from 2018. I loved the idea and my message is certainly in there.
On Friday after work we had a dinner with the department and a ton of ex-colleague’s as a sort of goodbye for everyone who left the past 6 months. It was also the official goodbye dinner for my old manager. We had a really nice evening filled with good Mexican food and laughter and afterwards a few of us relocated to a bar to have some drinks. We all greatly enjoyed seeing eachother again and we’re planning on making these dinners a bi-annual thing. Just to see eachother again, hear what everyone is up to and because we have such an amazing atmosphere in this team it’s really a joy to meet with them.
This also meant I was home late and quite exhausted. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world though.
As for the weekend. I’ve been doing my usual chores and I’ve written down my planning for next week. I’ve gotten a bunch of gaming magazines from one of my ex-colleagues on Friday and I’ve been reading them aswell. Other than that I’m following the LCS and am slowly picking my way through all the things I own and cleaning them out. It’s an ongoing project and one that needs doing because 1: I own too much stuff and 2: I don’t know where half of the stuff I own is. It also helps me in narrowing down the stuff I still need to buy in the coming year for my apartment, so it’s a win/win situation overall.

Lazy on Sunday

Today I’m having a lazy day. I’m quite content with just lounging in my room, getting an hour of gameplay in here and there and otherwise just doing a whole lot of nothing. I tend to do my cleaning on Sunday because it’s usually the day we don’t have anything to do. With severe allergies towards dust mite it’s quite important that I vacuum and dust my room regularly. Especially since my bedroom is also a mini living room. I spend most of my time up here playing games, reading, watching shows and just doing my thing in general. It’s not that I don’t like spending time with my Dad and his girlfriend, it’s just that I’m often very tired and just want to be left alone. Plus they have their own schedule with watching certain shows on TV and basically completely ignoring me once I do spend time downstairs with them.

I used to have the mindset that time spent doing nothing is time badly spent. I always felt like I had to do something. Be it cleaning, working on a hobby, reading. Anything. Going outside, sporting. You name it. As I get a bit older (I’m nearing my 30’s what the hell) I realise that sometimes doing nothing is the best thing you can be doing. I don’t recover as well from colds anymore, I’m very low on energy due to work and house buying related stress and I’m plagued by headaches, tiredness and random shivers. All signs that I just need to take a step back and rest up a bit more. It feels weird to be okay with living in about 6 square meters when I’m moving to an apartment that will be 50 square meters. I will actually have a living room all to my own. I can plug my consoles into an actual big TV instead of one shared with my computer. I can’t wait!

Next week I don’t really have anything special planned. There is a friend coming over on Saturday but that’s it. With some luck work will be less busy aswell and I can actually use Thursday to rest up and relax instead of going into town and driving through half the country. I probably have some time to actually dive into games a bit more than last week and I hope I can get a little bit more done in FFXIV and maybe Yo-Kai Watch. I will definitely finish off Botanicula. Point and click adventures are a very nice way to relax after a long day of work, so I can see myself finishing it in an evening or maybe two.

All in all I don’t have that much to say today. I’m in a very relaxed mood. It’s nice and quiet in the house and outside (although people are coming home as we speak). My room is cleaned, laundry is done. Fresh bedsheets and a clean pajama are waiting on me when I’m going into bed tonight. All in all I feel content today. I hope I can take this feeling with me the coming week.

Update: December 17

As I write this post I’ve had a very odd week. Work is utter chaos and I’m noticing that I’m losing my grip on certain things that normally should go naturally. We’re understaffed, it’s the busiest time of the year and I’m missing all the people that left this past year. I’m not really feeling well about the entire situation right now and I’ve mentioned this to my boss aswell. I’m struggling finding my place and feeling like I’m the one to have to make stuff work. Add up that we’re getting an interim manager in January (my boss is leaving) who is only there three days a week and it’s only going to get more chaotic from here on.

I have mentioned this in my last post but I’m buying my first own apartment. It’s still due to be built and I’m not moving untill somewhere in 2019 but still. It’s a huge step in my life and I’ve been having a really rough weekend so far with deciding whether or not I’m taking this thing. I talked to my Dad earlier today about the finances. He’s going to have to help me out because I simply don’t make enough money on my own to be able to afford anything right now and I desperately need to move out. After he assured me that the loan he’s giving me is actually already partly my own money anyway I decided to take the house. How is it my own money? Well my mom died when I was young. In her testament she left me money. This money has been untouched since 2001 and has been gathering interest since then. This all has added up to a reasonable sum and my dad told me that this money is the money he will use to help me finance my house. Which is a huge relief to me because I would hate to be in my father’s debt for the rest of my life. Which I still probably will be but that’s something else.

I thought I was done with my whole University thing aswell but it seems I’ve been enrolled for the wrong Master on accident. This isn’t a huge disaster but it means my actual graduation date will get postponed till February 1st (this is when I can enroll for the right Master). And with my Dad breathing down my neck I feel terrible having to postpone it even further. I know it’s only a month but still. I’ve postponed this so long that I don’t really dare to tell him it’s going to be later because of a stupid mistake. How I enrolled for the wrong master is a bit complicated. When I was still studying they changed the Master system a few times. At first you only had one master but now they’ve split it into three tracks. And the track I’ve done required me to register for a different Master, something they emailed me once about in 2012 or so and I didn’t pay attention to. It’s now coming to bite me in the ass and I’m really stressed about the whole affair. It’s technically not really my fault because I simply forgot. There is no system to warn me that I enrolled for the wrong Master and the Uni is really unforgiving about helping someone out when it comes to this so meh. I know I’ll get my diploma next year but I wish the road to it would’ve been easier than it has been. I’ve made it so hard on myself and even though I’m righting my own wrongs (albeit 3 years late) I feel terrible at how this all played out. I just want to pick up the damn paper and put all of this misery behind me. Because if anything University has been a miserable experience for me and something that I never imagined would happen. But that’s stuff that’s all in the past and I need to look forward if I want to move on.

On the gaming front I’ve been focused on FFXIV and WoW. My Astrologian hit 70 and I’m currently just poking around on my Miner and Botanist in FFXIV. My Raid group has kind of decided to drop the weeklies because the lockout has disappeared and with the new patch coming in January I think we all need a breather. I’m noticing my own performance on Ninja tanking horribly and my enjoyment of raiding in general is going down with it. Focusing on my Gatherers is just the type of casual gameplay I need in there right now and it will help me get stuff to level 70 and maybe attempt some endgame Gathering/Crafting stuff for the first time in my FFXIV history.
In WoW I’m still slowly leveling my Paladin. She’s about 15% off of level 106 and I’ve finished another chapter in my Class Hall story. I’m slowly working my way through Azsuna right now and I predict that I’ll be level 110 somewher in my third zone. Deciding to keep up both my Protection and Retribution weapons for now has been a smart decision. Tank queues are close to non existant and Protection Paladin is still a blast to play, especially with the Crusader elements they added to the class. I’m not going as fast through the content as I hoped I would but I’ve had busy weeks and a busy head and I’m noticing my games are the first to suffer from me feeling stressed. I just can’t get myself to sit down and play and rather lie down in bed with Netflix.

Speaking of Netflix. I know I’ve been meaning to watch the Punisher but for some reason the show just can’t seem to grab my interest. However I’ve been bingewatching “Lie to Me” like mad. I really enjoy shows like that, probably because of my interest in Psychology, and I find myself somewhere halfway through the second season already. I think I might wanna replace my Punisher goal with finishing off this show but I’ll see. December isn’t over yet and with the holidays coming up I should have enough time to get stuff done.

For now the coming week will be mostly spent at work where I hope I won’t be overwhelmed, a Tuesdaynight showing of Star Wars and signing the contract for my house. Atleast I have the last two things to look forward to!

Things go faster than they seem

It’s funny how much stuff you can get done in limited time. If you plan well and stick to your planning you can get miles ahead on what you thought you’d be doing.

Yesterday I came home from work and felt exhausted. This is nothing new for me on Fridays. For some reason they hit me harder than any other day of the week and often I find myself sleeping my Friday night away. Normally I would be pissed at myself for falling asleep but by now I’ve recognized that I need that to preserve my energy so I just let it happen. This allows me to wake up relatively on time on Saturdays and start getting stuff done.
Did I mention that I got a new curtain fitted and that my room is dark again at night? Holy moly it has done wonders for my sleep. I can’t even describe the feeling of not waking up the moment the sun rises anymore. I’m lucky that it’s winter and that sunrise is relatively late but still. Not waking up early in the weekends is a blessing and I’ve noticed my sleep improving by leaps and bounds.

What I really wanted to talk about in this post is how fast the progression of the goals I’ve set for myself seems to be going. My Astrologian is just shy of level 69 in FFXIV. I’ve finished my book. My Miner and Botanist are both sitting above level 60. My Paladin is level 103 soon and steadily advancing all her quests aswell. I’m five hours into Xenoblade Chronicles and I’ve been watching some Punisher again. It’s really nice and smooth sailing.
As it stands now I predict my Astrologian to hit level 70 somewhere this week. I’m so close now that I really just want to get it done with. The real question is, what am I going to do afterwards. A part of me wants to keep pushing up new classes but I’m really wondering which ones. I’m obviously going to focus on both Miner and Botanist but if I keep going the way I do they should both be 70 well before the month ends. I want to get the Goddess of Magic title in FFXIV and as such I’m eyeing my Summoner/Scholar already. The class is level 58 and would be a logical choice to level up after I’m done with Astrologian. However I’m also feeling very partial towards Monk right now and I’m pretty sure I can use the diversion from playing healers/ranged to a melee again. Mostly so I can pick up my Ninja easier as well. Another thing that’s been eating at me is the scope that FFXIV has as an MMO. I’m already considering what I want to do when I get tired of leveling and gearing. There is so much to do in this game. I’ve barely touched Gathering and Crafting as it stands. There is the Chocobo racing, the card game and the Pokémon wannabe minion battles. A part of me wants to dabble in all of it and a part of me warns me that I don’t really have the time. It’s a struggle and one I want to put off untill next year. I mean, I’ve kept my December goals to a minimum for a reason.

In WoW I’ve been spending the time I have on my Paladin. I’m noticing that after an hour or so of playing I tend to get restless and shut down. I’m not forcing myself to do anything anymore and an hour of play is fine for me. Obviously it slows my whole level proces down but it’s surprising how much you can get done in an hour. I’ve picked up the quest to get the Protection Artifact weapon and I’m planning to go do it the moment I unlock Halls of Valor in Stormheim. Having to queue for dungeons as DPS is really shitty and I enjoy playing Prot Paladin so there’s that. I remember doing the quest on my Draenei and I remember it being a huge pain in the butt so I’m curious to see how well I fare on my Bloodelf. I should also do the quest for my Holy weapon but it’s not really on my radar yet… Even though it is a barrier that must be overcome if I want to advance in my Class Hall quests.

I’m also noticing that I’m much happier just doing my own thing and not being constantly asked to do stuff by guildies. I’m having a real “einzelgänger” phase now and I just want to be left to my own devices when I’m online. I guess in a way it’s lucky than that I’ve not pledged myself to any groups outside of my FFXIV raidgroup. Maybe this is also why I can finally enjoy some single player games again. No one bothers you when playing them and I can get really submerged, even if it’s only for an hour or so. This has made it much easier to sink some time into Xenoblade Chronicles. I know I’m still only 5 hours in but I’m really enjoying myself. The system is a bit complicated and the quests are hard, after dying 3 times I realized that I probably should makes some more way in the mainstory before I could complete a certain sidequest, but the entire game so far has been amazing. I love JRPG’s and I feel like I can finally sink my teeth into one and finish it.

Another reason for me to sink my teeth into games that I have is that I’m finally making preparations to move out of my Dad’s house. I got a call from a real estate agent about one of the projects I entered. Apparently someone fell through on financing their appartment and I was next on the list. I’m meeting with them next Thursday and then I can start getting my own finances in order. It’s a project that is due somewhere in 2019 so I’ll have an entire year to get the stuff I need for moving. This also means that I have to take a look at my current expenses and start cutting where I need to cut. On the gaming front it’s no more new games. I’m quitting my gym membership (seeing as I’m not going anyway) and no longer have to pay for University as I’ve finally graduated. This leaves me with my travel costs to work, phone bill, the monthly pay I make to my dad and my two MMO subs. All those costs come down to about €300 a month. I’ve reserved about €100 more for work lunches/other foods so that leaves me with about €1200 a month I can deposit into my savings account for my house. I have a big expense in January seeing as I am going to replace my PC (it’s just not working for games anymore) but other than that I should be fine saving up a storm. I’m really excited about this and feel in no way sad that I have to stop impulse buying things. I have everything I need and if I have to play all the games I own back to back I’m pretty sure that would satisfy me for a year anyway.

So yeah. There’s lots of things I’m working on and looking forward to. I really hope I can keep up my motivation to get both my real life and gaming goals done. Untill then I’ll update my blog regularly with news from my gaming adventures and probably also news about my first very own home.

Stuck in Life

As I’m writing this I’ve had a very tiresome and awful day at work. It seems to me that these days have grown in number recently and I can no longer deny how it affects me as person.
When I was still in school I always had this idea about my future. What type of work I would be doing, that I would be out on my own or living with a partner and that I would just enjoy life and everything it had to offer. I would have never imagined still living at home with little to no social life to speak of and working a dead-end job.
But this seems to be reality right now.

I’m not enjoying myself at work. I’ve been getting more responsibilities but as time passes I master everything and start to get bored. Everything is oiled and the work, although it’s a lot, is not high in diversity, I’ve basically seen everything this job has to offer and I feel like it’s time to move on. However I’ve just extended my contract by another six months, purely for the financial stability and the promise of a different job in the future. I’m starting to question this decision. I’m no longer enamoured by the people I work with. With a ton of my colleagues (forced to) leaving I’ve been left behind in an empty shell of what once was a great department. Add up the current christmas chaos, the fact that my boss is pursuing another job and I have no idea what the future brings and you have a very volatile mix of ingredients.

All of this has made me feel even more down than I already was about things. I feel like I’m stuck in life and have no one to really turn to. Most of my friends are having their own lifes with or without kids and can only look at me in pity that I just can’t seem to make it work. As far as looking for a partner goes… I’m not happy with how I am right now. I’m quite overweight and as a result of this I feel ugly and unwanted. I know that I can do something about it and I should, but my asthma flaring up last year coupled with extremely long tiresome days at work leave me with little desire to get my ass to any type of sports. I still have my gym membership going and I am planning to haul my ass there atleast during the weekends, just to get some sort of stamina and muscle building again. It’s gotten to the point where I just no longer know how to dress well without feeling like I’m being stared at for being fat. And if I can’t love myself, how am I going to love someone else?
Ofcourse it doesn’t help that so far every love interest I’ve had over the past 2-3 years turned sour. Either they live too far away to make it work, they are completely and utterly not my type or, and this is the best one, they’re already taken. I refuse to do internet dating because I’ve been dealing with too many creeps online already as is and I am not really looking for a casual hookup. I just want to find someone that will put their arm around me in the evening and tell me everything will be okay, even when it’s not at the moment.

I guess me struggling with these issues in real life are also really affecting my hobbies. I’m so low on energy that I just can’t even be arsed to start up a game or pick up a book. All I want to do is lay in bed and scroll through stupid pictures on 9gag because I don’t have to think then. Whenever I do get around to start something up I’m bored fast. I read one or two chapters in my book before I put it away. I play WoW for 30 mins and then I close it down. I log into FFXIV to do my beast tribe dailies and then just stand AFK staring at the screen. I don’t have the energy to do anything else right now.

I know this post is in stark contrast with the previous two I’ve written this month. I’m no abandoning my gaming goals nor am I going to deviate from my planned evenings. But I do have to accept that I’m struggling with many things right now and that it will eat into time that I have reserved for X or Y. Maybe I”ll get to a point where I can motivate myself enough to do stuff again. I’m probably going to have a much easier time when the stress from work dies down aswell. But for now I’m in a very unhappy state and I don’t see myself getting out of it before the end of the year.

Settling

It’s odd how much peace of mind you can get from finishing something that has been looming over you for literally 3 years now. I feel like I can think again and function again like a normal human being. This allows me to set goals for other stuff easier and plan my days better now that I have no more obligations to anything than work. And ofcourse I leave that behind at 17.00 when I start clearing out my desk to go home.

Right now I feel like the two major MMO’s I’m playing are in maintenance mode for me. In FFXIV we’ve basically stopped raiding except for the weekly savage clear. As group we’re not attempting unending coil simply because we are not going to make it anyway. Part of that is on me because I’m nothing more than an average ninja who, for some reason, fails to perform in raids yet again. It’s probably due to me not playing as much as I should but well, there’s not that much to do in game anyway. When it comes to WoW I’ve ceased raiding after we killed Gul’dan almost a year ago. Right now I don’t feel the need to get back into raiding either so I’ve decided to set some different goals instead and just take things casually. I can see myself focusing on leveling one character of each class over the coming months and go through all the class related lore because that’s what I really enjoy.

This mindset has caused me to start breaking up my week into planned days for certain games. I want to shove FFXIV to Tuesday evenings because it’s reset day there and play WoW on Wednesday because also, reset day. I am probably reserving my Friday nights for Heroes of the Storm and I’ve decided that Mondays are now used for reading and watching series. Obviously if there are raids happening in FFXIV they get precedence. If I can stick to this planning it’s nice to not really have to think about what I want to do each given evening. I tend to get overwhelmed with all the stuff I want to be doing and then just crawl into bed and do nothing… Which isn’t helpful at all. The December goal thing has already given me some guidance, breaking it up into certain evenings only adds to that.

So with my four working days settled I have the weekends and Thursdays to branch into other things. I don’t really want to assign anything to those days either simply because I never know what mood I’m in when I have time off. For instance yesterday I was feeling rather unwell and spent my time in bed for most of the day, thus not really getting anything done. Today has been mostly filled with chores. I find that I have a better start on Mondays when on Sundays I clean out my room. The lack of clutter makes me happy and helps me be more productive overall. Although I did manage to squeeze in som FFXIV time in the morning, finishing off my beast tribe dailies on my Astrologian and making the final push for Miner to hit 60 (yes I can actually already score that goal off!). Other than that I settled down and made a good start in reading The Name of the Wind.

It does feel odd to set goals for stuff like games that should be used for relaxation. But with so many games coming out these days and MMO’s taking up a lot of time it’s nice to just have something to aim towards and enjoy the process in doing so.

What I’m going to do for the rest of the day is unsure. I could throw in a load of laundry and I should probably put some stuff back on the attic but I’m feeling a bit lazy and unwilling to do to much in the way of chores. With vacuuming, dusting and putting away all the junk in my room I’ve done enough for today. All I know is that whatever it is I pick to do will be a nice relaxing experience and something that’s not riddled with “but I should be doing something else”.

Murmuring at Midnight

It’s odd when you have too much time to yourself to think about stuff. Even with a job and somewhat of a social life I find myself being very lonely, especially on the weekends. Not really having someone there to confide in, who will make you happy when you’re sad or just simply tell you you’re doing great is devastating at times.
I’m very disappointed with how my life has turned out. If someone told my 18 year old self that I would still be living at home 10 years later and not only that but I still wouldn’t have finished school I would have laughed in their face. Yet here I am, a thousand big and small tragedies later.
Life has not been kind to me. I’ve had to face the loss of a parent very early on and almost the loss of my second one a few years ago. Nothing quite shakes you awake knowing that maybe when you wake up you’ll get a call from the hospital that your dad has passed away. It was a really tough time back then and it really fucked with my entire life. It made me stop my master’s thesis and almost had me fail my Master’s completely. I don’t think I ever really recovered from that properly.
I’ve had my hormones messed with when I was around 20 years old, basically putting me in menopauze because my body was hurting itself. Around the same time I got told that I probably can’t have kids of my own and that if I ever wanted to, I would have to start trying around 25 because when I turned 30 my chances would drop even further. These are not things you want to hear when you’re barely 20 years old and still have your entire future ahead of you.
I’ve been in therapy twice in my life. The first time when I was 16 and was diagnosed with PTSD for finding my mum dead in our house. The second time was two years ago because I was depressed and stuck in life. I couldn’t see a way forward and would spend the entire day in bed staring at my ceiling. I could’ve done many things in that time, like finish my Master’s degree, but I didn’t. I just simply didnt have the energy for it or the willpower. I have struggled for a long time in therpay trying to figure out what was making me so scared of moving on… And it came down to change itself. In the end therapy helped me land my first real job, but I was still stuck in my school situation with no one knowing and no one to help me get through it.

Fast forward to the present and I’m still suffering in my own way. I’ve been (eventually) diagnosed with a persistant lung infection after visiting two different doctors and taking 6 different kind of medicine to treat my cough and my breathing troubles. I’ve had heart palpitations and I’m still tired 24/7. I’m still struggling with school and I can slowly feel myself slide into a state again where I just want to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling.
Everything is costing me energy and everything that isn’t going my way is causing me major frustrations. Frustrations that I can’t air well and that has been giving me trouble mostly in my online life. Right now I really just want to crawl alway in a little corner of existence and not have anyone bother me for anything. I don’t want to talk to anyone, deal with anyone or even see anyone in my immediate vicinity. I want to be left alone and I want to cry and kick and scream. But most of all I don’t want to go back to the dark pit I crawled out from two years ago. Because I’m scared that when I do go back there I might not come out again.